Self Mutilation & Destructive Habits Part 1

There are so many destructive things we can do to our bodies and souls. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we are heading down a destructive path or what we are doing is destructive. Many things can be destructive.

Physical Destruction can be; cutting, hitting yourself, throwing yourself against a wall, punching things, burning yourself, ingesting poisonous substances or other objects that should not be ingested, drugs, intentionally preventing wounds from healing, sticking objects into your skin, pulling out your hair on your scalp, or other areas, anorexia, bulimia, overeating and anything else where harm is done to your body as a form of emotional release. Other forms may not be as obvious like, driving recklessly, binge drinking, taking too many drugs, prescriptions meds or over the counter meds, having unprotected sex and fighting.

All of the above can be dangerous if you don’t get help. I understand what it is like to have these feelings. People don’t talk about this kind of stuff very much. I want to get this out in the open and let others know you’re not alone. Self Mutilation is very common among adolescent girls and young women. The most common self mutilation is cutting. Most girls who self mutilate will cut their thighs, stomach or arms.

A common misconception about self mutilation is that the people, who do it, do it for attention. That is not true in most cases. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was harming myself. I was embarrassed that harming myself was a release for pain. The problem with harming yourself is that the release is only temporary. It can lead to bigger problems like accidentally going too far with the harm. You can cut yourself too deeply and end up dying. I ended up messing up my knee so badly I had to be in physical therapy and on crutches. Not telling someone could set you up for failure. It can make you feel worthless

Other common misconceptions about self mutilation are; people who do it are crazy & dangerous, want to die and if the wounds are bad -it’s not serious.

None of those are true. If you are self mutilating, you are not crazy! Most people who self injure find a release that words cannot give. Most do not want to die. No matter how big or small the wound, self mutilating is serious. If you are hurting yourself or you know someone who is, please get help.

When I ended up in physical therapy, I realized that enough was enough. I had to stop this. I stopped physically abusing myself. I didn’t confide in anyone because I was too afraid of what they would think of me. I should have gone to someone I trusted, like a guidance counselor, teacher or youth leader. All those people are there to help you. Instead I started on a road to eating disorders. I wouldn’t eat for a while, and then I would get so hungry I would overeat and feel bad about eating too much, so I would throw up. Everything was done in secret. No one I was friends with knew about anything that was going on with me. I kept it all to myself. My parents and grandparents didn’t know anything about it either. I was so concerned with looking good so people would like me I lost myself. I became the addiction. Eventually the anorexia and bulimia turned into just overeating. I would eat whatever I wanted not giving a thought to my health or well being.

Luckily for me college changed a lot for me. I chose to eat healthy and take the stairs when I could and walk everywhere. I still would indulge in chocolate cake or chips & pop every once in a while but I didn’t need it every day. Unfortunately while in college I went through a bad break up in 2009 and it brought up a lot of my old problems. I stopped eating. I got down to 120lbs. I am 5’ 7 ½” I should weigh anywhere from 140-150. I was about 20 lbs underweight. I decided that it was okay because it was better than being overweight. What made me stop eating was I hate that every time I would eat it would make me sick. The stress was overwhelming and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Instead of keeping my feelings inside, I let them out but not in a good way. I was one of those girls who said way too much on Facebook. I said a lot of things I can never take back. Instead of going to God and talking to him and my friends, I told everyone.

All of my behavior was destructive and left me in a state of confusion and my anger took over. My eating habits grew worse and so did my health. I couldn’t sleep at night and started taking sleeping pills/antidepressants. I ended up almost overdosing because the prescription was too strong. I woke up screaming and puking. My Mom came in my room and I couldn’t even tell her my name or go to the bathroom by myself. She started to call 911 but luckily I started waking up and I knew what my name was finally. The next morning I flushed the pills down the toilet and vowed I’d never take anything like that again. I started eating and exercising in late 2009. I found out I liked Zumba. I still didn’t get that you should eat healthy because it makes you feel better. I didn’t know you can’t out exercise a bad diet. I found a good friend, Kyle, who I could trust and talk to about anything. We would talk for hours and hours. I never knew he liked me and didn’t think he would date me because he was my ex’s friend. We both secretly liked each other for a long time. I ended up dating someone else and we stopped talking. I missed talking to Kyle and thought of him a lot.

In January of 2010, Kyle and I started hanging out as friends. In March we started dating. We got engaged in July and married in November. We originally planned to get married in June of 2011 but my Grandma Nickels was diagnosed with cancer and opted out of chemo. My Dad told me that if I wanted her at my wedding I needed to have it before the end of the year.

Since my wedding was moved up and I was trying to finish school, a lot of stress was added on me. I began to overeat. I still fit in my wedding dress, but I knew I had gained some weight. Looking at my wedding pictures I realized how much weight I gained and it made me depressed. Kyle and I had a very hard 1st year of marriage. Kyle’s job fell through and he went without a job for a while. My Grandma Nickels died in June of 2011, our car broke down and the repairs were beyond our budget. Kyle got a job at Sears and worked odd hours. My Grandpa Wagoner died in November of 2011 and my Mom became primary care giver of my Grandma. I tried to help her where I could but I fell short. I got depressed because Kyle and I weren’t getting along. I became defensive and so did he. My problems of the past of feeling not good enough came back. I accused him of going to this church to see a girl which wasn’t true. I thought because I had gained weight that he didn’t want me anymore. We almost split. Thankfully we had two good Godly people in our life to talk to us and help us see that all these bad things were happening because Satan wanted to destroy us and we were letting him. All my life Satan has tried to destroy me and my light for God. I’ve been a self mutilator, had eating disorders, depression and I listened to the lies from the mirror and let my confidence be ruined.  God can still use me and he can use my past to help others. I am proud to say I survived and am glad to look back to see how far God has truly brought me. I am learning to love myself and my body.

If you struggle with any of the things I’ve mentioned above about self mutilating please get help. Talk to someone who you trust. Sometimes a church leader or a teacher may be easier to talk to because they are removed from your situation. Remember you are not alone. Loving yourself and who you are isn’t easy. Say something nice to yourself out loud in the mirror every day. When I do, I have a better day.

 

If you need help and don’t know who to talk to about self mutilation, you can call S.A.F.E. 1-800-366-8288.

If you are struggling with a crisis and contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.

 

I got a lot of my information from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

They have ways to cope and give information that can be helpful in overcoming.

 

Below are verses that have helped me out during all of the things I went through:

1 Corinthians 3:16 “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?”

 1 Corinthians 6:19 & 20 “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are brought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

 1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”

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