The past several months have been a whirlwind. I have felt absolute heartbreak and absolute joy. On Easter this past year I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could say that I jumped for joy. I did’t. I had the opposite reaction. I was actually deeply saddened by the news. I couldn’t bare going through another loss. I became angry. I didn’t understand why God would let me get pregnant just to have to say goodbye again.
October 2018 I went through my second pregnancy loss. It had been 3 years since we had gotten pregnant so I was ecstatic. I took the test and impatiently waited. When I saw the plus sign, I balled like a baby with joy. I wrapped the test up along with two onesies and gave them to my husband as a belated birthday present. At first he didn’t understand but when he got it, he was so happy. We told our parents and his brother over a special dinner.
We never thought that a few weeks later we would be in a hospital ER room getting the news that the baby didn’t make it. Hearing the words “I’m sorry but unfortunately the fetus isn’t viable” is gut wrenching. I couldn’t even cry. I was so upset, but deep down I knew that this was going to be the end result. I waited until I got home to cry. The next day I lost the baby.
I soon went into a deep depression. My husband and I were so devastated. I couldn’t help but feel I was to blame. We had waited 5 years for this and now it was gone in an instant. I felt like God abandoned me. I couldn’t feel his love and I felt alone. I also felt like a failure. I made stupid financial decisions. Sometimes grieving people do things that don’t make sense. They make hasty decisions. I invested in something without consulting my husband. Decisions like that should be made together, but I made it on my own and now we both have to pay for my bad choice. That’s another lesson for another day!
I took a class in January called Freedom. It set me free. It allowed me to see just how deep God’s love is. It also helped me to see that I didn’t need a baby to complete me. God completes us. During the class I found out I was pregnant. At the end of the class, we had a conference. I had several pray over me. I told them that I was worried of loosing the baby. At the time I thought I was going through the beginning of a pregnancy loss. It was brutal. The conference brought so much healing for me. God definitely did a working in me.
Now, I am trusting in the Lord to keep this sweet babe safe. I’ve been praying over it every day. There are some really good plans for expecting Moms on the Bible App. Yesterday on the way home, I prayed for the baby’s spouse that God would create someone that had the same faith and the same calling. I’ve prayed that even now my child would know who the Lord is and that it would make a decision for Christ at an early age. I pray that it will always choose to do right even when everyone else is doing wrong. I pray that it will stand strong on the word of God and speak the truth.
I am 4 months along. Every day, I wake up and look at my bump and feel overwhelmingly blessed. I just can’t believe that we have a baby. It’s real and not a dream. I am so happy that words cannot even tell you how I feel. Every moment brings bliss. I don’t even mind that I get heartburn a lot or that I get sick every time I smell certain things. It means that I have life growing inside me. God chose my husband and I to be this baby’s parents. We are truly blessed. I feel so humbled by everything.
Last week we got to see it move during an ultra sound. It was the best day of my life. My husband Kyle said yes it is the best day until we hold it in our arms. He’s right! If you are in the Dayton, OH area you should check out Baby & Co. 4D in Troy. They are amazing! The tech was so sweet and stayed with us until we found out what we were having. It’s a surprise until Saturday. So don’t ask!!
Throughout our story I have been reminded of Hannah. Hannah wanted a child so badly. She earnestly prayed and God granted her a son. She dedicated her baby to the Lord.
I Samuel 1:19-30 Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying,“Because I have asked for him from the Lord.”
Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. It’s amazing to have people go to the Lord on your behalf.
Stay tuned for the Gender Reveal! Check out the Facebook page on Saturday for the big reveal!! https://www.facebook.com/LiesFromTheMirror
Love from above,